Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we made out on top of his cat.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
