I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
