On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He passed out mid-signature
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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