apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
