my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The beers last night were like the tears from god
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
