tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
