So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
