I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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