so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
