Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he thought i was a dude.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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