i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
