omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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