My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
