This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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