sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
