Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
