He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
