I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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