Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
