I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
