FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
