On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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