Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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