I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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