I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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