OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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