you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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