I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
