She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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