you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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