Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I am mentally ready for anal.
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