I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
