nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
