Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Randomize
