We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
