I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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