So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
