my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
