If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
