Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
