I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
