You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
