I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
