I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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