tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
