and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
