The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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