i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
