so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
