just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
