I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
